Hurting and Suffocating a lot today.
Woke up at 5. Just been looking at your pictures. Started writing randaomly. Wish to talk to you. see you. smell you feel you. It is too painful at the moment. I can't survive like this.
It's hurting a lot today.
Some days hurt more than others. Like it is hurting right now. I woke up with this tightness in my chest, like something vital is missing. As if like I have lost half of both my lungs. Its suffocating breathing seems so hard. Seems like there is no Air.
And no matter how many distractions the world throws at you, the ache doesn’t ease. You smile at people, finish your work, go through the motions, but inside, there’s a silence that screams. It’s the kind of missing that’s not just emotional, it’s physical. There is actual physical pain in the chest in the gut area. Its like someone heavy is sitting on my chest.
It feels like a part of my soul has gone somewhere far, maybe towards you but got lost along the way and is wandering with sadness and pain and the body that is left behind is feeling the pain and suffering and feeling the distance.
Tears come out of nowhere while brushing my teeth, while watching TV, sometimes while working. It is falling freely right now while I’m typing while pretending to be okay.
I do not know why.
Breathing is difficult, Can't stop my tears, seems like it will drain all the water from my body.
I am holding on to memories like they’re oxygen. Pictures, messages, the sound of your voice in my head, they become lifelines. Like you see in movies a dying man’s feeble lifeline.
At night, it gets worse. I look at the space beside me, hold on to the sheets and the nightie but its no use. Your smell is gone from it completely but I pretend that whatever is left is yours but I remember your smell it is gone from the sheets and nightie and it feels colder than it should. The kind of cold that no blanket can fix. And all I want is one touch, one glimpse, one moment of closeness. But the wait goes on.
Love is beautiful. But missing someone you love like this? It’s the kind of pain you wouldn’t wish on anyone. Because if it hurts this much to be apart, I get scared and just wish to God that if ever a day comes that seals our fate that we are not going to be together for any reason for that matter. I want nothing from God but instant death. I can’t live without you. I can’t exist or survive without you. Living if you are gone will be like living in a lifeless body of a perpetually comatose person.